Last week, we discussed a very simple and profound idea – that the only cure for tiredness is rest. That despite all of our efforts to the contrary, we cannot think, spend, or “hack” our way out of our need for rest, and more of it than often feels conducive to our modern lives. We all know that we need 8 hours of sleep a day, but not many of us actually get that, and more importantly, while we need 8 hours of sleep, that means the time we need dedicated to rest is more than that. We need time to unwind, to wake up, to take breaks throughout the day, to re-focus. 

Emily and Amelia Nagoski, in their incredible book Burnout, estimated that the time needed out of our day for resting (including sleep) isn’t 33%, but more like 42%.¹ This includes time laying down before we get out of bed, or taking a mid-day break to do something restorative. We fight this need hard, but like we talked about last week, it creeps in regardless, stealing our focus in the middle of the afternoon, or making us cranky and irritable in the morning because we didn’t get enough rest the day before.

I have twins who are now happy toddlers, but were once cranky babies, who very much struggled to sleep. After a full year of not sleeping through the night, we hired a sleep consultant and I told her my woes – multiple middle of the night wakings for each of them that would take 20-30 minutes before they would go back down, 4:45 am starts for the day, inconsistent naps, it was exhausting. She told us they were overtired. They needed more sleep. I was confused. I asked her, “They’re waking up at 4:45 AM, and you want us to put them to bed earlier?”

She said yes, and we worked with us through a weeks-long process where we offered the twins more and more sleep. And they took it. More sleep than I could have possibly imagined that they needed. And eventually when they woke up, they weren’t screaming, they were happily babbling in their cribs, a thing they had never done before. I thought we just had cranky, high-energy babies. But we had tired babies, who could only get caught up on sleep by being offered sleep even when it seemed like they didn’t want it. 

Overtiredness, and overstimulation, which makes it harder for us to rest, doesn’t go away when we exit toddlerhood. If you are up late at night, scrolling, watching, reading, and don’t feel tired, it might not mean you don’t need to rest, it might mean you need a lot of rest. 

So, how do we make rest work with our busy modern lives?

First, we should probably acknowledge our own sleep debts (or hours behind we are in sleep) and try to do the work to get ourselves caught up. This might look like a lot of sleep at the beginning, or it might look like a real struggle to sleep, as our brain reacclimates to the sleep schedule we are offering. This process might look similar to the process we went through with our sleep consultant, improving sleep hygiene, creating routines and schedules, and giving our bodies time to figure out how much sleep we really thrive with (not how little we can survive on).

Additionally, once your overnight sleep feels sustainable, focusing on other kinds of rest, for at least a few minutes a day, can be deeply restorative. That rest might look like sitting outside with your spouse after the kids go to bed, going for a walk, or working on a puzzle, but it should probably not involve a screen. The blue light-heavy, overstimulating draw of phones, tablets and tvs give us physical rest, but can be hard on our brains (who need the rest more anyway). Personally, I love long, slow jogs. That might not sound restful to other people, but nothing makes my mind feel more at ease. 

Finally, beware what is marketed to you as rest (for women this is often beauty and wellness treatments), and seek out what feels actually restful to you. Then protect that time with the same fervor you protect your work hours, family time, or anything else that’s important to you. The difference it will make in your life could be astronomical, and your loved ones, community, all deserve you at your best, just as you deserve you at your best. 

This week, 

1. Look at your weekly schedule and ensure that you have adequate time to get the 8 hours of sleep that you need (so probably more like 9-10 unscheduled hours a day)
2. Identify at least one way you like to rest that is not sleep and doesn’t involve a screen, and practice doing it for at least 10 minutes a day.

Let us know how it goes and what difference the rest makes in your life. 

1. The actual, incredible quote from the book: “We’re not saying you should take 42 percent of your time to rest; we’re saying if you don’t take the 42 percent, the 42 percent will take you. It will grab you by the face, shove you to the ground, put its foot on your chest, and declare itself the victor.” ↩︎